I hope everyone had an amazing Mother's Day holiday. I quite frankly don't give a hoot about it (like many other holidays), just another day to me. This year, I went to Cincinnati and Kentucky for Ohio's state bowling Tournament. I was stoked to get the hell out of dodge and away from my children (mommy loves you). My aunt picked me up at 9 am to head on down to Cinci. We arrived at noonish and went to the airport Hilton to check in. The unhappy, little, brat front desk girl said we couldn't check in until 3. I know this is the norm, but all of the other ladies in our group were not having it. Normally, we are able to check in earlier than the posted time, but this hotel was an airport hotel so it was going to be busier than the usual places where we stay. Anyways, Carol and I had to potty, so we went to use the facilites. After doing our thang, I go to flush my toliet and it doesn't work. Carol said, "push it all the way down." I was, and still nothing. Fixing a toliet is NOT a hard job, so I popped of the top of the tank and noticed the chain was broken. I rigged it back together and voila. I fixed it! I then made it a point to tell the little bitch that I fixed her toliet. The other broad asked if I was a "hired Hilton Hotels subcontractor". I told her I should be. And she's just lucky that my husband doesn't fix anything in the house and I had to rent library books to learn how to be a handy-woman.
On a postive note, Carol and I won the second place 50/50. I NEVER win anything, so this was shocking. I picked the ticket and they called it. Yay, it was going to be a lucky weekend. Yeah, not so much.
I bowled like poo. 6 games on Saturday, and I sucked at them all. Only got my average 1 game. Ridiculous.
We headed back to the hotel after bowling, we were trying to figure out where to eat and ultimately settled on Hilton's restaurant. Big mistake. They had one waitress for the entire restaurant and we were there for 2 hours waiting for appetizers. And everything was cold when we received it. Blah.
On Sunday, we went to another bowling center to bowl the team event. I sucked even worse than Saturday! I did, however, win a box of chocolates for mother's day. They drew our lane and my postion on the roster. Yay, candy!! The bowling center was a double decker alley. We were bowling on the top floor. I could feel the vibrations from people walking, and I got sea sick. It's hard to bowl with a upset stomach.
After that waste of money, we were on our way home. I was excited to see the kids and the hubs. When we were 20 minutes away, hubs was called into work. He had to leave quickly so he left a window open. When my aunt and I pulled into the drive, I realized that I forgot my house key. I then broke into my own house, through the one open, but high window. I hit my chin pretty hard during the process. The hubs was ultimately gone for 9 hours and I was not in the mood to drive another hour to get my kids, so mom got them from the mom-in-law's house. Yay for moms!
That was pretty much the end of the trip away for mom's day.
Today, I had to break into the house AGAIN when I forgot my house key AGAIN. Yep, I am a moron. On the plus side, I fixed all of the vulnerable spots that I weaseled my way into.
Morals of the story: don't bowl and don't forget your house keys.
5/2/11
That's some BIG FREAKING NEWS
Dear Abby,
It's May 2nd, 2011 and apparently something went down last evening that has everyone in a happy and joyous mood. I have tendonitis in my left hand and I quite frankly find it rude that so many people are chanting at the news of my mild injury. What did I ever do to you, America? Are the hoards of people chanting for the other HUGE news: Mariah Carey giving birth to babies? Not baby, but BABIES! Do you think they are still going absolutely apeshit about the Royal Wedding? Possibly, but that just doesn't seem right. Could it be Pope John Paul II getting one step closer to Sainthood? I doubt it since everyone hates the deceased Pope. (I'm not sure if Everyone hates him, but there has to be at least one person who does.) What am I missing? I know something huge went down, but I cannot wrap my brain around it. I'm sure it was something ridiculously important in American history. I will have to sign on to Facebook and figure it all out, since that's the #1 source for News, Weather, and Traffic. Can you help me figure everything out before I go insane?
Until Then,
Overwhelmed and Confused in Ohio.
Dear Overwhelmed and Confused in Ohio,
You are a completely ignorant asshole.
Sincerely,
Abby.
It's May 2nd, 2011 and apparently something went down last evening that has everyone in a happy and joyous mood. I have tendonitis in my left hand and I quite frankly find it rude that so many people are chanting at the news of my mild injury. What did I ever do to you, America? Are the hoards of people chanting for the other HUGE news: Mariah Carey giving birth to babies? Not baby, but BABIES! Do you think they are still going absolutely apeshit about the Royal Wedding? Possibly, but that just doesn't seem right. Could it be Pope John Paul II getting one step closer to Sainthood? I doubt it since everyone hates the deceased Pope. (I'm not sure if Everyone hates him, but there has to be at least one person who does.) What am I missing? I know something huge went down, but I cannot wrap my brain around it. I'm sure it was something ridiculously important in American history. I will have to sign on to Facebook and figure it all out, since that's the #1 source for News, Weather, and Traffic. Can you help me figure everything out before I go insane?
Until Then,
Overwhelmed and Confused in Ohio.
Dear Overwhelmed and Confused in Ohio,
You are a completely ignorant asshole.
Sincerely,
Abby.
2/21/11
Chickens don't have penises... but Saul's garage floor does.
I bet y'all missed me. Don't act like you didn't. Let me fill you in on the super amazing stuff that's happening in my life. Um.....
The End.
No, seriously, yesterday was the FOP/Hose Draggers AKA Firemen's bowl-a-thon for Easter Seals. Our team consisted of Saul, Jorge (who had one foot in the ground from a disabling cough due to cold), my hubs, and me. I, of couse, had my 3 bowling balls, bowling shoes, and my bowling towel from the Women's National Bowling Tournament in Reno, NV. Bear in mind, that my average is only 160, so do I really need all of this stuff? No. I just carry it around to act important. Hubs brought his 2 ball bag (the bowling balls and bag, sickos) and the mindset to kick some ass, because he totally did. Saul and Jorge came without shoes and their own BOWLING balls so they had to borrow the house equipment. This means they are losers. Well, I thought they were losers. Apparently, Saul's stepdad is on the senior PBA tour and ended up kicking my butt. What a sand-bagger. I taught Jorge some tricks on how to master the old-lady-straight-down-the-lane shot. He ended up beating me one game. Ugh, I really do suck. Oh, and the hubs had 255-256- and 160 something game. Enough about bowling...
Saul and his wifey are building a house. Some teenagers went into their garage and etched a huge penis and some not-so-nice-words into the curing floor cement. This had everyone busting his balls (the real ones, not the bowling kind) the entire night. Fast forward to dinner afterwards. Saul could not drink since he had to work the same night. It's, I guess, against police policy for their employees to come in drunk. So, Saul consumed Sprite the entire night (poetry is neat). This lead to my hubs making fun of Saul for his choice of drink and for basically being a wimp. My hubs got drunk and was annoying the crap out of me and I'm sure Saul, Jorge, and their wives as well as their super cute and super quiet co-worker "The Sperminator." "The Sperminator, T.S" and his newlywed wifey are expecting, so congrats to them. T.S.'s wife was dealing with morning sickness and couldn't join the festivities though. Morning sickness sucks!
Dinner was over, we parted ways.
At home, since hubs was drunk, I talked him into making a video on the webcam. He would never normally do this, so I basically took advantage of his intoxication. He slurred through the story of Saul's penis art in his garage, sprite, and something I didn't know... chicken's don't have penises!! This was shocking to me. I'm still trying to understand... it may take me a while.
I'm going to google it, while I'm thinking about it.
Toodles, Meg
**All names have been changed to protect the identity of our friends**
The End.
No, seriously, yesterday was the FOP/Hose Draggers AKA Firemen's bowl-a-thon for Easter Seals. Our team consisted of Saul, Jorge (who had one foot in the ground from a disabling cough due to cold), my hubs, and me. I, of couse, had my 3 bowling balls, bowling shoes, and my bowling towel from the Women's National Bowling Tournament in Reno, NV. Bear in mind, that my average is only 160, so do I really need all of this stuff? No. I just carry it around to act important. Hubs brought his 2 ball bag (the bowling balls and bag, sickos) and the mindset to kick some ass, because he totally did. Saul and Jorge came without shoes and their own BOWLING balls so they had to borrow the house equipment. This means they are losers. Well, I thought they were losers. Apparently, Saul's stepdad is on the senior PBA tour and ended up kicking my butt. What a sand-bagger. I taught Jorge some tricks on how to master the old-lady-straight-down-the-lane shot. He ended up beating me one game. Ugh, I really do suck. Oh, and the hubs had 255-256- and 160 something game. Enough about bowling...
Saul and his wifey are building a house. Some teenagers went into their garage and etched a huge penis and some not-so-nice-words into the curing floor cement. This had everyone busting his balls (the real ones, not the bowling kind) the entire night. Fast forward to dinner afterwards. Saul could not drink since he had to work the same night. It's, I guess, against police policy for their employees to come in drunk. So, Saul consumed Sprite the entire night (poetry is neat). This lead to my hubs making fun of Saul for his choice of drink and for basically being a wimp. My hubs got drunk and was annoying the crap out of me and I'm sure Saul, Jorge, and their wives as well as their super cute and super quiet co-worker "The Sperminator." "The Sperminator, T.S" and his newlywed wifey are expecting, so congrats to them. T.S.'s wife was dealing with morning sickness and couldn't join the festivities though. Morning sickness sucks!
Dinner was over, we parted ways.
At home, since hubs was drunk, I talked him into making a video on the webcam. He would never normally do this, so I basically took advantage of his intoxication. He slurred through the story of Saul's penis art in his garage, sprite, and something I didn't know... chicken's don't have penises!! This was shocking to me. I'm still trying to understand... it may take me a while.
I'm going to google it, while I'm thinking about it.
Toodles, Meg
**All names have been changed to protect the identity of our friends**
1/2/11
My New Year's Resolution
I really don't have a NY Reso. Don't really care to have one to be honest. Everything's so cliche'. "I want to lose weight." Guess what.. you're not going to, you fat ass. Get over it. "I want to stop smoking." Guess what.. you're not going to, chimney neck. Get over it. Blah, blah, blah. If I could come up with something unique, I *may* make a resolution. OOOOOH! Maybe my resolution should be to stop playing with my nose ring to make myself sneeze. You know how people with tongue bars flip those things around like it's a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle weapon in their mouth? Well, I twist my nose ring often to a point where I can literally make myself sneeze over and over. My record is 11 times in a row.
Let's break this down. 1. I'm 30 and have a nose ring. I should grow up and get rid of it, but NO! I don't want to!! 2. There is no reason to twist it after it's healing period has passed. I have had it well past the healing period, so why do I continually twist? OCD. 3. Why do I have an obsession with sneezing? I don't know, I have always loved to sneeze. It's the one bodily function that is not annoying like a dry, barking cough or stinky and just plain embarrassing. Plus, if you have an enemy in close range and you feel a sneeze coming on, you could accidentally not cover your sneeze and Wham-o! They have your virus-y covered snot droplets hurling at them at an obscene rate of speed. The enemy is more than likely too slow to react. Therefore, a sneeze is a good first line of defense to attack your arch nemesis. 4. Why do I know what my record is for the most sneezes at one time? I don't really know. I'm not THAT lame. Give me some credit.
This year, I decided to write an online daily journal to post all the little things that happened during my day. Not because I lead a super exciting life, though. Quite the opposite, actually. My life is SO boring, I can never remember anything that happens unless it was something CRAZY significant and that one overly significant event tunes out every other thing that happened for the entire year. I am going to be realistic and say I am only 23% sure that I will keep up this journal everyday for a month, let alone a full year. I forget things too often. Do you ever forget on your drive into work that you forgot to put on deodorant or brush your teeth? No? Well, I do. I have to make pit stops at gas stations or Walgreens to buy travel kits of everything for back up just in case I forget to do something that every other person just naturally does everyday. My brain does not function that way. I need to remind myself to eat and even drink! I can go a whole day without drinking anything. Enough about my brain and it's issues, already. I basically wanted to let y'all know, a daily journal (or a sentence if we are being completely honest) will be now attached to this here blog. Enjoy kids. Have a good New Year, bitches.
Let's break this down. 1. I'm 30 and have a nose ring. I should grow up and get rid of it, but NO! I don't want to!! 2. There is no reason to twist it after it's healing period has passed. I have had it well past the healing period, so why do I continually twist? OCD. 3. Why do I have an obsession with sneezing? I don't know, I have always loved to sneeze. It's the one bodily function that is not annoying like a dry, barking cough or stinky and just plain embarrassing. Plus, if you have an enemy in close range and you feel a sneeze coming on, you could accidentally not cover your sneeze and Wham-o! They have your virus-y covered snot droplets hurling at them at an obscene rate of speed. The enemy is more than likely too slow to react. Therefore, a sneeze is a good first line of defense to attack your arch nemesis. 4. Why do I know what my record is for the most sneezes at one time? I don't really know. I'm not THAT lame. Give me some credit.
on the other hand, maybe I don't deserve any credit...
This year, I decided to write an online daily journal to post all the little things that happened during my day. Not because I lead a super exciting life, though. Quite the opposite, actually. My life is SO boring, I can never remember anything that happens unless it was something CRAZY significant and that one overly significant event tunes out every other thing that happened for the entire year. I am going to be realistic and say I am only 23% sure that I will keep up this journal everyday for a month, let alone a full year. I forget things too often. Do you ever forget on your drive into work that you forgot to put on deodorant or brush your teeth? No? Well, I do. I have to make pit stops at gas stations or Walgreens to buy travel kits of everything for back up just in case I forget to do something that every other person just naturally does everyday. My brain does not function that way. I need to remind myself to eat and even drink! I can go a whole day without drinking anything. Enough about my brain and it's issues, already. I basically wanted to let y'all know, a daily journal (or a sentence if we are being completely honest) will be now attached to this here blog. Enjoy kids. Have a good New Year, bitches.
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